Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Cor. 4:16
I was looking through some old pictures and found a picture of myself right out of college. I looked healthy, well fed, and strong. As I look at myself in the mirror now, 15 pounds lighter, and struggling to stay 120 lb, I can't help but think about how much has changed. Life is harder now. More responsibilities, more bills, more trials and less money. I can't remember the last time when I didn't feel slightly nauseous after eating or didn't feel like my voice was deteriorating. My reality is a constant state of sickness and lethargy.
I am 25 years old and in the worst health of my life. No doctors can figure out what's going on. A recently new symptom developed. I have a sharp pain in my side every time I eat. I saw the doctor yesterday and she said it could be anything from gallstones to a liver tumor. Whatever the case, nothing surprises me anymore. In some ways, it's almost ridiculous how bad things have gotten since a year and a half ago. What I had hoped would get better has become my normal day to day.
But somehow, I feel closer to God. I can't explain it really well and I suppose you're not supposed to be able to anyway. But in all the nights of crying and praying beside my bed, all the desperate moments when I would sink into despair at the feet of a silent God, every pang of loneliness and frustration has led me to a place of utter surrender. I have never felt more weak and I have never felt such an ache in my heart for Jesus.
Do I still hope for healing? Absolutely. Because my God is good, because he does not desire suffering though he may permit it for a while, because he does not operate within the logic and understanding of our timing and because he loves me. We must believe until the day we die because his Kingdom is here, because the Spirit is moving and working every moment of our lives.
"Everything is possible for him who believes." (Mark 9:23)