Changes

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Cor. 4:16

I was looking through some old pictures and found a picture of myself right out of college.  I looked healthy, well fed, and strong.  As I look at myself in the mirror now, 15 pounds lighter, and struggling to stay 120 lb,  I can't help but think about how much has changed.  Life is harder now.  More responsibilities, more bills, more trials and less money.  I can't remember the last time when I didn't feel slightly nauseous after eating or didn't feel like my voice was deteriorating.  My reality is a constant state of sickness and lethargy.

I am 25 years old and in the worst health of my life.  No doctors can figure out what's going on.  A recently new symptom developed.  I have a sharp pain in my side every time I eat.  I saw the doctor yesterday and she said it could be anything from gallstones to a liver tumor.  Whatever the case, nothing surprises me anymore.  In some ways, it's almost ridiculous how bad things have gotten since a year and a half ago.  What I had hoped would get better has become my normal day to day.


But somehow, I feel closer to God. I can't explain it really well and I suppose you're not supposed to be able to anyway.  But in all the nights of crying and praying beside my bed, all the desperate moments when I would sink into despair at the feet of a silent God, every pang of loneliness and frustration has led me to a place of utter surrender. I have never felt more weak and I have never felt such an ache in my heart for Jesus. 


Do I still hope for healing? Absolutely.  Because my God is good, because he does not desire suffering though he may permit it for a while,  because he does not operate within the logic and understanding of our timing and because he loves me. We must believe until the day we die because his Kingdom is here, because the Spirit is moving and working every moment of our lives. 

"Everything is possible for him who believes." (Mark 9:23)

Prayer for Tonight

God, today was hard.  I did my best to seek you and to find comfort in you.  I told myself that you are in control and that I should not lose hope.  Nevertheless, today was hard.  I felt alone and that no one understood my pain and struggle.  I called out your name today... I couldn't hear your answer.  I know that you have a plan for me and that you ask me to trust you even when things are unclear.  I'm trying my best to do that, but sometimes it's hard... like today. 

I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of fighting off worry.  I'm tired of trying to resist despair.  Lord, I am weak and lonely.  I want this part to be over.  But you are still my strength and my ever present help in time of need.  Whether or not I feel it, I know the truth that you are sovereign over all things, that your mercy triumphs over judgement, that your love covers a multitude of shortcomings. 

Though the days are evil, you are good.  You are our good father who watches over his children in times of trouble and doubt.  You hold us close and sing over us until our hearts are filled with peace.  Would you grant us rest as we lay our heads down tonight and wake us up to mercy.  Whisper your love into the depths of our souls and breathe your truth into our innermost being.  Give us hope to endure the darkness.  Light the way and lead us lest we stumble. 

Good night, Lord.  Be near to us.

Not Alone

I was at Urban Outfitters today and they had the "Peanuts" book collection on sale for $9 (originally $55).  OF COURSE I bought it.  I mean I love Snoopy, but that kind of markdown is incredible!  And so while flipping through one of the books, I stumbled across this page and I had to fight back the tears because normal people don't cry over comic strips.  Anyway, Charles M. Schulz was a genius.