So we come and go; it's still a mystery
and we'll be history long before we find
All the secrets since now and forever
We hope for better on the other side.
There are days when I feel like I'm ready to go be with God. I know I'm only 25 and it's way too early to be having an existential crisis, but there are times when I wonder what the point of living in this world is when there is a better one waiting on the other side. This life is full of sadness and suffering. The older I get, the more people in my life pass away or leave. There are so many reminders of decay and death including my own declining health and mounting troubles. Yet somehow I find that I am more hopeful than ever.
Perhaps it is wanting the other world so much that helps us to see the good in this one. We see signs of life, signs of goodness, and signs of love all over the place because we are headed to a home that is made of these things. I guess you could say that the hope of heaven turns everything else into hope on earth. Good things become a taste of what's to come and disappointment becomes hope for something better.
I think we all ache for something more deep inside of our souls. Even those of us who have intimately witnessed God's power and presence still know that there is something missing in this current life. We miss our friend whom we have never met in person and we are homesick for a country that we have never seen. And while the journey may be treacherous, difficult and heartbreaking, I am sure that the Abba Father we have been crying out to all these years will be there eager to welcome us.
To my friends who are suffering and see no end to the struggle, I want to remind you that we have great hope. God loves you and he covers you with goodness and mercy. We are almost home.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Sun is Still the Sun
"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect" 1 Peter 3:15
I don't really understand why Christians get so angry at atheists. Sometimes I read CNN's belief blog and the comments going back and forth between believers and non-believers are so distressing that I start crying. I'm never really bothered by what atheists say...I'm more disturbed by the subtle hatefulness that believers spout back. I don't even see the point in arguing with people about believing in God. Faith is a mysterious thing that happens in the heart that is not achieved through argument or insult.
A few months ago while I was on the road with the band, we started debating whether or not this bright circle in the sky was the sun or the moon. It was behind a hazy cloud so I guess there was some confusion. I knew it was the sun while a majority of the band was convinced it was the moon. (Now obviously it was the sun because during the day, the moon is not visible behind clouds.) I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right, but the rest of the guys were convinced otherwise. In fact, I was getting so flustered at the ridiculousness of them thinking it was the moon that I started hurling insults at them, telling them that they were stupid. That led to them hurling insults right back at me. Even though it was disguised in jest, the underlying hate was pervasive. In the end, the sun came out from behind the cloud, but the damage was already done.
Much later I wondered why it was so important for me to prove that I was right. Them being convinced that it was the moon did not change the fact that it was the sun. The same sun that keeps me warm, keeps them warm as well. It still lights up everything for me just as it lights up everything for them. The only reason I wanted to prove that I was right was to shame them and make them look stupid. When I realized that was my motivation, I was so disgusted with myself. Even though my insults were partly in jest, they reflected a deep rooted pride and arrogance.
Now as Christians, we know we are right about God while atheists are convinced there is no God. However, their unbelief doesn't change a thing about God himself. While I'm sure God desires our acknowledgement of his existence, he doesn't need it. And most of all, it does not change the fact that he loves all of us... including the people who don't believe in him.
I don't know why as believers we feel so threatened sometimes. Do we feel the need to defend God because God needs it, or are we trying to build up our own pride? Perhaps we are afraid that we might be swayed to unbelief and thus we vehemently defend our faith at all costs. Whatever the reason may be, we will never convince an unbelieving world that God exists by screaming at them and insulting their intelligence. Even when Elijah called down fire from heaven to prove God's existence, it led no one to repentance. It just made them angry and they even tried to kill him. It wasn't until a few hundred years later, when a man named Jesus came and used the power of God to demonstrate kindness, that the unbelieving started turning to him. He healed people, raised people from the dead, miraculously fed thousands, cast out demons, forgave sins and ultimately gave his life for us. It was his compassion and mercy upon a broken world that led so many to faith.
It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. And it is through kindness that we might possibly lead others to the same place as well. We can't just preach the gospel; we must also become it. So if you want to convince someone that the glowing light in the sky is the sun, don't insult them or argue with them... take them outside so they can feel its warmth.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A song to drive away the demons
Today I sat down at my piano for the first time just to play for fun. Since my voice started deteriorating last year, it's become harder and harder to enjoy music and to love it like I used to. But tonight I decided not to use my voice and just play the notes I couldn't sing anymore. While I was playing, I felt my soul open up and all the heartache I felt from this past year just poured out into the piano. I couldn't stop crying while I played. I was thankful and sad at the same time. I played a bunch of hymns but just mouthed the words. I just worshipped with what I had and I knew that God was listening. I felt all the demons that have been taunting me dissipate and for a few moments, I found some refuge from the pain that has been my reality for so long.
Hope is still alive and my heart is still singing loudly
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Changes
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Cor. 4:16
I was looking through some old pictures and found a picture of myself right out of college. I looked healthy, well fed, and strong. As I look at myself in the mirror now, 15 pounds lighter, and struggling to stay 120 lb, I can't help but think about how much has changed. Life is harder now. More responsibilities, more bills, more trials and less money. I can't remember the last time when I didn't feel slightly nauseous after eating or didn't feel like my voice was deteriorating. My reality is a constant state of sickness and lethargy.
I am 25 years old and in the worst health of my life. No doctors can figure out what's going on. A recently new symptom developed. I have a sharp pain in my side every time I eat. I saw the doctor yesterday and she said it could be anything from gallstones to a liver tumor. Whatever the case, nothing surprises me anymore. In some ways, it's almost ridiculous how bad things have gotten since a year and a half ago. What I had hoped would get better has become my normal day to day.
But somehow, I feel closer to God. I can't explain it really well and I suppose you're not supposed to be able to anyway. But in all the nights of crying and praying beside my bed, all the desperate moments when I would sink into despair at the feet of a silent God, every pang of loneliness and frustration has led me to a place of utter surrender. I have never felt more weak and I have never felt such an ache in my heart for Jesus.
Do I still hope for healing? Absolutely. Because my God is good, because he does not desire suffering though he may permit it for a while, because he does not operate within the logic and understanding of our timing and because he loves me. We must believe until the day we die because his Kingdom is here, because the Spirit is moving and working every moment of our lives.
"Everything is possible for him who believes." (Mark 9:23)
Friday, March 19, 2010
Prayer for Tonight
God, today was hard. I did my best to seek you and to find comfort in you. I told myself that you are in control and that I should not lose hope. Nevertheless, today was hard. I felt alone and that no one understood my pain and struggle. I called out your name today... I couldn't hear your answer. I know that you have a plan for me and that you ask me to trust you even when things are unclear. I'm trying my best to do that, but sometimes it's hard... like today.
I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of fighting off worry. I'm tired of trying to resist despair. Lord, I am weak and lonely. I want this part to be over. But you are still my strength and my ever present help in time of need. Whether or not I feel it, I know the truth that you are sovereign over all things, that your mercy triumphs over judgement, that your love covers a multitude of shortcomings.
Though the days are evil, you are good. You are our good father who watches over his children in times of trouble and doubt. You hold us close and sing over us until our hearts are filled with peace. Would you grant us rest as we lay our heads down tonight and wake us up to mercy. Whisper your love into the depths of our souls and breathe your truth into our innermost being. Give us hope to endure the darkness. Light the way and lead us lest we stumble.
Good night, Lord. Be near to us.
I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of fighting off worry. I'm tired of trying to resist despair. Lord, I am weak and lonely. I want this part to be over. But you are still my strength and my ever present help in time of need. Whether or not I feel it, I know the truth that you are sovereign over all things, that your mercy triumphs over judgement, that your love covers a multitude of shortcomings.
Though the days are evil, you are good. You are our good father who watches over his children in times of trouble and doubt. You hold us close and sing over us until our hearts are filled with peace. Would you grant us rest as we lay our heads down tonight and wake us up to mercy. Whisper your love into the depths of our souls and breathe your truth into our innermost being. Give us hope to endure the darkness. Light the way and lead us lest we stumble.
Good night, Lord. Be near to us.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Not Alone
I was at Urban Outfitters today and they had the "Peanuts" book collection on sale for $9 (originally $55). OF COURSE I bought it. I mean I love Snoopy, but that kind of markdown is incredible! And so while flipping through one of the books, I stumbled across this page and I had to fight back the tears because normal people don't cry over comic strips. Anyway, Charles M. Schulz was a genius.
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